I need a purse...

Why can't I find a good purse?

I don't have the time to get off my butt and search for one.

I just need a purse that will work! I'm so tired of those teeny, useless, gorgeous purses and I don't want to lug around a grotesquely baggy purse. Do designers even think about how awkward it is trying to handle a purse at the table. I hate keeping it at my lap. I feel strange putting it on the table. There is no way I am putting it on the floor or hanging off the chair. That's just asking for someone to steal it.

If I got one of these purses, I wouldn't waste a second thinking about what to do with my purse. I'd put it right in the middle of the table and let the drooling commence.

They are from the 1970s.

The black one is a "American telephone bag by Dallas Handbags in patent faux crocodile leather."

The red one is a "red plastic telephone bag by Dallas Handbags with working telephone."

Did you get that? You can plug them into a telephone socket and they will actually work! They should make cellphone purses...

Yeah, yeah. These are impractical. Shut up.

I guess I'll look for the perfectly sized, quirky, over-the-shoulder, sturdy purse later.